All in a day’s quiz II

Disaster has a twin!

A week after the encounter with the dancing-bather, Prof. Rangarajan asked me to assist with a quiz for an organization promoting Science amongst school children and provided a contact.

My contact told me that I would have to just read out the questions from the sheet and that was it. I was happy, a simple one. I go, read out a few questions, make a few funny comments, and come back.

The first let-downer was that the venue was a good 30+ Kms from my house. The second was that it was on a Saturday, a working day for me. I planned to be back at work by 11 am.

On quiz day, I rode all the way to the school where the quiz was to be done and counted 6 teachers and 7 students. I called my contact and he told me that he was busy with other locations and would get back later.

I had bought a dark Louis Philippe shirt and a matching pant the previous day and wore them proudly. For about half an hour (seemed a very long time), I stood at the edge of the crowd (?) and waited for someone to recognize and greet me. More teachers and students arrived, but still no luck. They all avoided me like plague.

Finally, one guy peeled off from the crowd and greeted me. The conversation went thus:

Me: Hi

He: (Nodding his head) Why are you here?

Me: (I was taken aback by the tone and rudeness of the question) to conduct the quiz...

He: English?

Me: Yes.

He: I am also English … (after a pause) I am a chartered accountant.

A gentleman thrust a bunch of papers in my hand said “questions” and left.

To evade the Englishman, I glanced at the questions, and was shocked to see 3 sets of question papers, each with 8 sections, each section with 10 questions including a printed visual round in which all the people and objects were in varying shades of black. I asked the Englishman about the 3 sets. He sniggered and said “don’t you know?” One each for 6-8/9-10/+2. I had a very bad feeling about this. “And there is a Tamil quiz also” he added helpfully.

I did some quick math. That was 240 questions per language!! The “paperman” appeared and whisked the visual sheets away remarking “will copy and return.”

Englishman grabbed the remaining papers from my hands and said “I will see.” (The same tone Charlton Heston used when he parted the Red Sea as Moses). He started to number them though they were already numbered and stapled neatly. After this, he hugged the papers close to his chest like a college girl (for various reasons)hugging her books. I cunningly offered to let him do the quiz all by himself but he said “I do Tamil, you do English” Tamil had a full-house and English had a motley bunch (clever man!).

Resigned to my fate, I went up. There were 2 teams in 6-8 and 9-10, but only one team in +2. I felt lucky. I suggested that they be declared winners immediately and we get on with other two segments. My contact arrived and firmly told me that even if one team, I have to read out all the questions. Mind you, both Prof. and I agreed to this in good faith and were doing this out of goodwill (read no money). I gritted my teeth and got on with the +2 section…

Most questions were framed badly and I had to speak English in Tamil most of the time. Strangely, more questions were answered by the lower grades than the non-competing, already-winner team!

I got on with the other two sections, interrupted only by a teacher from one of the schools helping her pupils with answers in a stage whisper now and then. Her school won a thrilling victory in the final round. After a break for sugary tea and oily vadas, which I passed, I completed the last segment. Paperman did not bring in the visual rounds after copying and I thought that was my piece of luck.

The questions were a different story. One round on Tamil literature (?) in a science quiz. Here are two samples.

1. Where is the most beautiful beach in the world? (Ans- Marina Chennai – don’t ask me why).
2. Where was the first World Classical Tamil conference held (Ans – A month ago in Coimbatore – that was a tough one right?)

I rushed out, submitted the results and bid goodbye. Englishman was quizzing to a full-house and going strong. My contact offered me lunch, I declined. He told me they were holding it in 3 locations (one of which much nearer to town), adding helpfully that he had other people taking care of that but no one wanted to come so far. I fixed a smile firmly on my face and ran away.

As I kick-started my self-start bike, a crow shat allover my new shirt … I almost cried out in agony but ended up in a primeval grunt. A lady teacher passing by with her students stared at me and pulled her wards closer. I raced back to work…

I was in a foul mood throughout the day but thinking back, the one silver lining was the eager faces of children participating. For that, I suppose I can brave the heat, travel, rude people, and an occasional diarrheal crow!

All in a day's quiz!!

Quizzing is loads of fun … but only when somebody does loads of work to make it fun!!! Here is a snapshot of life as a QM in these hard times…

Last week, I had been talked into hosting a quiz for a local eco warrior NGO. The invite came from a fellow club member and his dad turned out to be a good friend of mine from ‘80s, a fellow Rotaracter.

It was pro-bono but I dreamt of an audience from varied backgrounds united for a common cause and serious about saving Mother Earth … APJ visiting made it irresistible (I later came to know that he had left a day earlier!):(

I shaved, dressed in formals, and was in the venue a good 30 minutes before the event, to be greeted by an assortment of school kids and a few retired types sparsely populating the densely arranged chairs. The monsoon wind was blowing dust into the pandal and a generously built young boy was undulating to one of the latest Vijay songs! Wondering about the connection between Vijay and environment I recollected a movie where he fought against mining mafia!! (Sura, Era, or Pura, can’t remember)

I was informed that quiz was after a presentation on "water conservation in ancient India." I felt sleepy and was sure the audience would be so by the end of it, so started preparing a few punch lines to wake them up. My club mates turned up to help and we went around the stalls.

The much feared presentation wound on … one of our guys told me that he had seen/heard this 3 times in the past year. I admired his tranquility and tolerance and went up the stage to set up my laptop. Lo… my friend the organizer told me they would be another short but very interesting item on menu…dance? Song? Mimicry? Nopes, this would be a daring feat to emphasize the importance of water conservation…. A guy would take bath on the stage in 1-1/2 liters of water (about a Coke and half) Suddenly, the water conservation ppt looked better!

I was told he would soap twice & shampoo twice using that little amount of water… there was a sound of oooh… from the audience. The MC invited all children in the stalls to come and see this important event and they came flocking… A guy grabbed the mike from me and started by saying that this “achievement” was unique and self-taught and what more… for the first time exclusively for this audience he will do it in 1-1/2 liters, half a liter less than previously done!!

I stood haplessly while a young man in full suit set up his tools of the trade. I was imagining some tubes recycling water; he just spread a gunny sack and was ready.

On cue, music started and he started to remove his clothes… I was glaring at him now (later my friends told me it was a sight to see me up there looking aghast!) Pronto… he was down to his Crocodile/Jockey/VIP and twisted sinuously. Some started tapping their feet to the music. I jumped down to join my friends. The show went on and true to the word he did take bath in 1-1/2 liters of water (soap twice/shampoo twice) to accompanying music and commentary “now he is soaping himself, first face, next body, last legs” Every time he finished soaping/shampooing, there was a round of applause.. Some kids were capturing this timeless moment on their mobile phones and one girl on a camcorder. I was reminded of morning shows of Malayalam pics in my college days…

Finally, the show was over … to thunderous applause. The MC was proud to announce that there would be a repeat show in the evening for those who missed the current one (more applause). I was on stage now ready to start. The young man had wrapped himself in a towel. I started to speak when the rude dude grabbed the mike again and requested that since the bather is also a dancer, he be allowed a chance to display (?) his talents… I had visions of Helen in various films but sanity prevailed and they postponed it. I grabbed my chance and started the quiz….

I made an obvious statement that while I would like to compete with the previous show I was not brave enough to remove my clothes and quiz (anemic laughter). The crowd had halved by now and they left vociferously debating finer points on what they had just seen. (Oru masam oru bucket da.....)

I was pretty disappointed that I had lost out on the popularity stakes but consoled myself with these thoughts…

1. What are your chances against Pamela Undresson?
2. You can’t beat statistics. Look at Internet search stats and you know what I mean.
3. People know their priority. When helmets were first used in cricket, it was considered unmanly to wear one but the same blokes had been using abdomen guards for ages!!

By the way… the quiz went well and I received a gift voucher with which I have bought a book I always wanted to… “Get your body back in shape in 30 days!”

Next time when I am the quiz master …. perhaps…..


Disclaimer: To be taken at fun value only. Any exaggeration is purely the result of my cynical mind!